Wednesday, January 19, 2022

What Makes Someone Good at Sex?

I often hear people describing someone as “really good” at sex. Is it the certain skills some of us enhance better than others? The attitude? Confidence? Body shape? No, definitely not the last one.

When I think about my previous partners, I can сondifently say they were good in bed. But can all of the other women they slept with say the same about them? Can all the guys I slept with even say that about me?

Some people can be inexperienced or awkward in sex, some can be really self-conscious and uptight because of that. Some, though still really skilled, are greedy and selfish in bed. But does any of this necessarily make them bad at sex?

I thought about it again this morning, after I had a late-night conversation with my friend over the phone. He called in frustration to tell me about the situation he found himself in.

For the past few weeks, he’s been seeing a woman whom their mutual friends kept describing as “amazing in bed.” She kept telling how adventurous and constantly hungry for sex she is, sharing stories about giving blowjobs and sleeping with strangers in clubs the minute she met them. Based on the way she would constantly describe herself, she was just a wild animal who was ready to ride any stranger she sees.

But when it came to sex between them, the expectations turned out to be very far from reality. She was rather awkward and looked like she was trying too hard to do things she clearly didn’t enjoy. It was like watching porn in real life except you don’t want to participate in it because you can see she doesn’t like it but for some reason keeps going.

Clearly, the sex wasn’t good. So what was that “really good in sex” her friend was talking about? What does “good at sex” even mean, we thought at the same time.

I like to talk about sex with men. I often talk about it with my partners, ex’s, and guy friends. It’s interesting to know what their experience is and to hear some funny or not so much stories from their life.

A while ago, I asked my ex about what as he thought makes women bad at sex: “You know, some just don’t want to do anything in bed, they just lay there like dead bodies, won’t wrap their legs around you or anything. Some obviously fake orgasms and scream so loud like they’ve been taking notes while watching porn. You can absolutely tell it is fake.”

When I asked about it my FWB, he couldn’t think of someone bad in bed but rather someone who wasn’t a good match for him sexually — uptight, somewhat prudish women who don’t initiate sex or want to be creative in bed. It wasn’t enough to match his sexual energy and needs and therefore didn’t work that well no matter how much he tried.

According to my girlfriends, the worst lovers in their life were mostly selfish men who wouldn’t go down on them or communicate during sex to make sure it feels good for them, too. As the result, they never had a single orgasm with those men.

As you can see, apart from being really selfish in bed (which is obviously a red flag for both one-night-stand and a relationship) different people find different turn-offs when it comes to sex. Someone who is very vocal during sex at the point the neighbors are scared for their life might be a big turn-off for some men while being a major turn-on for others. Some people would like to have a partner who is adventurous and open-minded in bed, while others would be uncomfortable with people like that.

Based on that, I don’t think we should put “bad/good” labels on people we had a bad experience with. (Unless they are selfish motherforkers, then do whatever you want, they definitely deserve it.)

I know what makes me feel good about myself in the bedroom — it’s confidence, my connection with my sexuality, and the ability to be present with the person I’m with. These are the things that highly affect my mood and self-esteem during sex and the things I work on in order to enjoy myself during sex ergo be able to be the best for my partner. And if our energy and expectations match, it’s most likely to be really good sex.

After all, what really makes someone good at sex if not the right person who can fully appreciate and match with you in the bedroom?

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