As with most women, I’ve become very fond of sex toys over the years.
I remember purchasing my first pocket vibrator the second I could enter a sex shop at the ripe age of 18. It was nothing special, just one of those small purple bullets that only vibrated at one speed yet somehow managed to give you mind-shattering orgasms.
And for a long time, my pocket vibrator was all I needed.
I carried him wherever I went. To college. To Thailand. Even to a weekend away with my parents in the mountains (weekends with my parents can obviously be very stressful.)
But then — like most of my relationships — I started to get bored of him. I craved something new. Something that could tantalize my body in ways I could never imagine.
And that’s when I heard about the Sqweel Wheel.
I saw this oral sex simulator pop up all over the internet. Unlike other vibrators and dildos, the Sqweel Wheel doesn’t vibrate, doesn’t thrust, and doesn’t get inserted into your vagina. This baby is all about the clit action.
And you’ll see exactly what I mean when you see a photo.
The round plastic handle thing holds a rotating wheel of ten silicone “tongues.” I’m not joking — it’s literally a pink wheel with ten little flaps waving in the air.
The Sqweel Wheel does not fuck around.
At first glance, the Sqweel Wheel looks like either a dog toy or a torture device for children. It’s definitely not the most discrete or attractive apparatus I’ve seen.
But hey, I’m not one to judge a sex toy. Especially if it promises to feel like you’re getting eaten out by 10 people at once. Seriously, the idea of a lapping oral sex simulator has so much potential that I would invest big bucks into perfecting the product.
So, I went on Amazon and two days later, had a discreet, brown package full of potential pleasure sitting on my doorstep.
When I first unboxed my wheel, I was shocked at how massive the thing was. It was literally the size of my palm (and I have big hands for my petite 5’2″ frame.)
And if I thought the size was embarrassing, then you can imagine the surprise when I turned the damn thing on. The harsh mechanical whirring noise sounded like I was remodeling my bedroom.
At this point, I was already missing my little pocket vibe. Between the size and the sound, I knew this was not going to be the toy that would be accompanying me on my future travels.
But it was here and in my hand. So, of course, I had to press it against my vagina.
I slathered on a bit of lube (because what the fuck is oral sex if it’s not sloppy and wet?) and decided to give this wheel a spin around town
Nervous, scared, and slightly aroused, I opted for the slowest speed to start.
It felt alright.
I won’t lie, it was nice to have something moving around on my clit. But it felt more like someone was pressing a button repeatedly with their finger. At this point, it definitely didn’t feel like someone’s tongue, let alone the tongue of ten horny pussy-starved men.
It was time to up the speed.
The tongues started to rotate faster, although I was immediately distracted by the alarming buzzing noise radiating from the gadget. I pressed the machine harder against my clit, which caused it to abruptly stop. Apparently, you need to hold it gently, or else the tongues can’t move, and the whole wheel gets clogged. Sexy!
But it still didn’t feel like oral sex. Maybe mediocre teenage half-assed attempt oral sex, but not good oral sex.
On a scale of 1 to 10 of reaching orgasm, I was at a sturdy 2.5.
Disheartened, I flipped the switch to the highest speed.
Now, listen closely. If you ever decide to purchase a Sqweel Wheel in the future, I’ll have to strongly recommend against switching it to the third speed. I repeat — never use the Sqweel Wheel at top speed.
That little pink wheel was spinning so hard that I felt it was going to lick my clit into space. And not in a good way.
My sturdy 2.5 dropped to a -50 on the orgasm scale, and I threw the toy across the room in a fit of rage.
That was it. No more Sqweel Wheel.
Sure, it’s hard for any toy to completely compensate for the warm flicks and licks of a real lapping tongue. In fact, I doubt that there’s any product on the market that will ever compete with receiving oral sex from a human being.
But to think that a wheel of smooth, clit-destroying fake tongues would do the trick is just plain stupid.
Angry, annoyed, and very sexually frustrated, I reached into my drawer to pull out Old Faithful. With the little purple bullet in my hand, I buzzed my way to a knee-shaking orgasm in literally 30 seconds.
Take that you dumb wheel piece of shit.