Ask not what your lover can do for you…
There are plenty of articles out there about how to give the best oral sex; 5 ways to blow his mind, 10 way to make her explode etc. We live in a society more sexually open than it’s been in recent history (maybe apart from the 60s) and there seems to be far less stigma,if any at all, around giving and receiving oral.
I remember a time when it was permissible for a man to say ‘I’d never go down on a woman’ even though he fully expected her to go down on him, but thankfully those times have passed (I hope). Now we live in a world of ever-increasing instant gratification. If we want anything — a takeaway, a cab, a date, a f*ck — we take out our phones and self-gratify at the tap of a finger.
In my capacity of helping clients with relationship and sexual conundrums, I’ve come across a question a few times which has always been asked when the partner isn’t present; how do I get them to give me more oral sex? I’ve heard this a bit more from men than women, actually, and upon digging a bit deeper the same personal outlook rears its head.
The person asking wants to be gratified. I ask them how they feel about doing the same to their partner, to which the reply is usually ‘I do it often enough’, but there’s seems to be a common undercurrent of selfish focus, instead of selfless focus on their partner.
As the old, wise mantra goes: “tis better to give than to receive.”
When we do something for another person without expecting anything in return, we get a warm, fuzzy feeling inside that no one can really explain.
It’s that amazing feeling you get when you help out a fellow human, without them expecting it, the feeling of warmth when your actions make someone else’s day.
There’s a reason why those who devote their lives to volunteer work are some of the happiest in the world, and there’s a reason why giving while expecting nothing in return has profound benefits for all involved.
Giving for the Sake of Giving.
When it comes to oral sex, giving is just that: giving.
It’s one-sided; one person gives the pleasure, the other receives it.
It’s precisely this aspect which causes the most issues. Maybe they doesn’t want to give because they don’t get anything out of it. Maybe they’ll give only as much as they’ve received from their partner.
Maybe they give as a favor or a treat because of a feeling of obligation or expectation.
Whatever the reason, the one thing all the above have in common is the giver isn’t giving because they want to give.
They’re giving as an obligation, or a means to an end. Both states of mind have a forced, transactional element to them, rather than a generous or affectionate one.
Without genuine affection or a true desire to please, there’s no sincerity. As humans we subconsciously pick up on subtle cues of insincerity without realising it. You can tell when someone’s talking to you only because they want something from you. They might be trying to use you for who you know, trying to sell you something or only interested in having sex with you.
When we sense that type of selfishness we very much go the opposite direction; the stink of insincerity elicits dislike, disdain and disgust.
If we’re the ones doing something out of obligation or something we don’t want to do, we give out subconscious cues of our insincerity which repels the person on the receiving end.
This probably isn’t the desired feeling you want to convey when trying to bring a partner to orgasm.
Have a Desire to be Selfless.
Things change when you give because you want to give. When there’s no obligation or pressure, you can enjoy what you give, for the sake of giving, simply to make a lover happy.
When you give because you genuinely want to, you do it because you love doing it, because giving your lover pleasure gives you pleasure.
This is the essence of amazing oral sex; there’s nothing hotter than when the person going down on you loves doing it.
When the one who gives enjoys themselves it puts your mind at ease because they aren’t doing anything through obligation. It relaxes you and will help massively in reaching that big O (no matter what type of O you want).
So, the next time oral sex is on the table (or under the table), ask not what your lover can do for you, but what can you do for your lover.